Game Six

(I'm taking a quick break from the Thirty Blog Challenge - This is too important)

As TCU started to march back in their opening game to Baylor this season, I refused to get into the game. My rationale was simple - I'd already accepted that the Frogs were going to lose, and I wasn't going to lose the game twice. If I allowed myself to get back into the game and they didn't win, that's exactly what I would've felt. I would've lost the same game twice.

Tonight, I lost the same game twice. As I sat in the apartment, actually yelling at the TV, I tried to get Neftali Feliz to get the final strike we needed. Instead, he gave up a two-run double that tied the game.

I fell to my knees. I couldn't move. It was horrible. One of the worst moments of my sports life. And I turned the TV off.

Only to find out a few minutes later that Josh Hamilton had hit a 2-run home run. And even though Feliz was done, we had two pinch hitters and the pitcher left in the game. A two-run cushion and three guys who could barely hit their weight coming up. It was in the bag.

Nope. Darren Oliver allowed two (and almost three) hits to those three guys. Then the Cardinals' top hitters came up and tied the game again. The next inning, they won.

Twice, the game was down to it's final strike. Twice, the game-tying hit was given up.

Tomorrow, I'm not going to watch the Rangers. It isn't because I've given up on them. It isn't because I'm turning in my fan card. It isn't because I don't care. In fact, I'd argue that it's because I care too much. Often times, I've been told that I'm too passionate about sports. That I allow it to control my life too much. To affect my emotions.

I'd agree with that, but it's all I've known. While it's broken my heart dozens of times, sports has been the one consistent thing in my entire life. It's always been there when I needed it, even when it didn't given me what I wanted. And after my dad died, it was baseball that made everything feel better again.

People forget (or don't care in the first place) that I love the Rangers. I love baseball. They were my first love, and any waning appreciation for the sport simply came from the fact that the team continued to break my heart again and again and again.

Tonight, they broke it twice more. Worse than when the Mavs lost in 2006. Worse than when the Stars lost in the Stanley Cup Finals in 2000. Or when the Stars lost to the Ducks in 2003. Or when TCU lost to Boise State in the Fiesta Bowl.

As far as sports-related heartbreaks go, this was number one.

And, yeah, they have a chance to win tomorrow. Probably a pretty good chance. Matt Harrison is a solid pitcher, and the Rangers' offense did more than enough to win tonight.

But you don't come back from a loss like that. You don't get a third chance at this. In life, you either take the bull by the horns, or it gores you through your chest. It's that simple.

And if the team is stronger than that, then more power to them. If they can come back from this loss, then I will be very proud of them. But I'm not strong enough. I can't come back from it.

I refuse to lose this series twice.

Thirty Blog Challenge - Blog 7

Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living For

I actually have a few people that would make this work. I could start off with my wife. She's beautiful, fun, and she somehow loves me as much as I love her. We go to sporting events, dinners, movies, and long evenings on the couch. And during all of this, we just laugh. I would say her name here, but we haven't met yet.

I could say my mother, who isn't quite as fictional. She's taught me a lot about life, and she's one of the happiest people I've ever met despite the fact that she's been through twice as much trauma. She could've quit a number of times, but she refuses to. She has a strength and faith that I can only hope to tap into. And as much as I don't like being my father's son, I love twice as much to be my mother's son.

I could say my roommate Ashley. We're practically common law, and it's one of the most functional friendships I've ever had. We can talk about a number of things, and we always seem to be on the same wavelength. It isn't a perfect friendship, but it definitely works. He's smart and creative, and I think we're a lot more similar than either of us would be willing to admit. And he's always there for me when I need something. Anything. If he hadn't needed rescuing from Stephenville, I don't know where I'd be right now.

But I guess I'll just be super gay and say Tucker. I haven't known Tucker as long as I've known Ashley, but he's had a profound impact on my life. After a rough start to our friendship (Tucker admits that he doesn't like meeting new people, and that he makes it hard to get to know him too much), we bonded because of a similar situation - we were both unemployed.

And thanks to Halo, tennis, The Wire, and a collection of other things, we became close friends. I don't know if he'd call me his best friend, but he's definitely mine. He and I see the world in a similar way, even though he and I come from completely different places. I look up to him like an older brother, and I value his opinion more than I often value my own. He sees things in me that I'd like to see, and he's done a lot of hard work to try and help me get there.

When we were moving out of our old apartment, I went to a fantasy football draft for work. I was going to go to the draft, come home, and clean up the apartment. But when I got back to the apartment, I found Tucker inside my bathroom, scrubbing the bathtub. It's one of the worst jobs that he could've been doing, and I felt terrible. While I was out having fun, he was cleaning my bathroom. And that's Tucker - he's willing to do just about anything for his friends. And maybe that's why he chooses to have so few.

I often joke that Tucker is the "best case scenario" version of me. That if I tried as hard as I could to perfect myself, I could be him. And, in a lot of ways, he's the person I'd like to be. He has a great job that he loves, a loving wife, and he seems to have found happiness. He's always smiling, and he's always making those around him smile.

He's always done so much for me, and he's always looking to do more. And as hokey as it sounds, I'm so very honored to call him my friend.

And I totally mean it. As gay as this is going to look and sound, I absolutely do. And I don't even care that he's going to make fun of me for it.

Thirty Blog Challenge - Blog 6

Blog 6 - Something You Hope You Never Have To Do

Joke Answer - Get stabbed. Nick Swardson has a great stand-up routine about getting stabbed. It just sounds like it'd be horrible.

Obvious answer - Die. I know everyone dies. But it'd be nice if I were the exception to the rule. That last second before you die is supposedly peaceful to a lot of people, but it just seems like it'd be completely frightening.

A lot of people say they're completely convinced about their own religious beliefs, but no one is 100% confident. No one can know for sure. And while I'm convinced that there's some sort of God, I don't know if I was lucky enough to be born into a family that happens to believe in the real one. I have faith that I was that lucky, but I can't say for certain.

I hope, very much, that there's an afterlife, and I hope that whatever God exists is merciful to all those who chose poorly. But in that second, you just don't know.

And it would be like that one second before you flip on the switch in a dark room. That noise you heard might have been nothing, but it might have been the monster you're afraid of. After that second, you might be relieved. But in that second, you just don't know. And I just don't want to face that.

Real answer - watch someone I love suffer and die. Because everyone dies, everyone I love will die. And just like knowing that you will die, that's something equally as terrifying. But we can all hope that our loved ones die peacefully. On their own terms. In their own time.

To watch someone you love suffer is worse than suffering yourself. And just the thought of it fills me with so many emotions. Sadness. Anger. Fear. Regret. We all know that we're ticking time bombs, but we always try to put it out of mind. We know that, when we're talking to someone, it could be the last time we talk to them. But we just don't worry about it, particularly if you're not someone who's directly and recently familiar with death. Steve Jobs or Al Davis could die, but it won't make you hug your mom any tighter when you see her. Because we just assume the people we love will be there tomorrow.

And they might not be. But we all hope that they will. And when the day comes that they won't be, we all hope that we're given plenty of advanced warning. That they live to an age where we're able to let go with the minimum of sadness. And while there will always be that sadness, we hope that there's enough love and joy that it doesn't feel so bad.

But to have a sudden death. A painful death. A death full of suffering? In front of you? To see it all? That's something that I hope I don't have to experience.

Thirty Blog Challenge - Blog 5

Blog 5 - Something You Hope To Do In Your Life

Hmm, so many things. I could say get married. Or have a child. Or find that elusive "perfect job." All are things that I hope to do and all are things that would lead to another thing - find happiness.

For some reason, I don't want to go there. I'm starting to think that those things happen in their own time. Hoping to find that perfect person or that perfect moment isn't the result of effort or simple "hope." It either happens or it doesn't. I'd like to hope for something that I can control.

And, for that reason, I hope to see the world. The Eiffel Tower. The Brazilian rainforest. The Great Wall of China. Even Antarctica. I want to see the greatest things that man has done and the things that God made that man can't ever hope to top.

I've seen the U.S. If a city has (or had in the 90s) a baseball team, I've been to it. With very few exceptions, I've seen what this country has to offer. Amazing skyscrapers, fields of grain, sunsets that will leave you breathless, and all kinds of people. I've been to Central America, visiting the Dominican Republic and Honduras on high school mission trips. I've been to German any Austria, seeing the beauty of a European city and the horror of a concentration camp.

But there's so much left. I haven't even technically visited the entire country, missing both of the non-contiguous states. And as far as my own hemisphere goes, I'm still missing the entire southern part of this enormous landmass.

In the last couple years, I've traveled a lot more. Since my passport is still in need of renewal, it's all been domestic. San Diego, Los Angeles (three times), Phoenix, Denver, Colorado Springs, Washington D.C, Philadelphia, Atlantic City, and Chicago. Not to mention a month in Delaware.

Starting in 2012, I will have an extra week of vacation at work. With that, I'll be required to take two consecutive weeks of vacation according to the SEC (not the conference, Ashley). And since I'll be at JPM for another year or two, that's a couple of two-week vacations that I'll need to take.

I'm getting that passport renewed. And I already have my list ready of places to go.

- The United Kingdom. I'd love to see London and the British countryside. I know it's foggy and gross and awful, but I still want to see it. I've always wanted to see Stonehenge. And, now that I've seen a couple "football" matches, I'd like to see an EPL game.

- Australia/New Zealand - I love the way Aussies talk, and I love the way New Zealand looks.

- Japan - I've always been fascinated with Asian culture. I don't know what it is about Japan, but I've always felt a connection to there. And before it sinks into the ocean, I'd like to see it.

And then there's the Pyramids and the Great Barrier Reef and the Holy Land. So many places to see and just a lifetime to see it all.

Most of us get too busy with other things to go out and see what the world has to offer. I hope that doesn't happen to me.