A Monologue

I saw the movie Synecdoche, New York this weekend, and the following is a monologue that happens at the end. It's a grim and dark look at the world (as is the movie), but I felt it was worth re-printing.

Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make. You can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won’t know for twenty years! And you may never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce…

And they say there’s no fate, but there is, it’s what you create. And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead, or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain wasting years for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right, but it never comes. Or it seems to, but it doesn’t really.

So you spend you time in vague regret or vaguer hope that something good will come along, something to make you feel connected, something to make you feel cherished, something to make you feel loved. And the truth is is, I feel so angry! And the truth is, I feel so fucking sad! And the truth is, I’ve felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long, I’ve been pretending I’m okay, just to get along!

I don’t know why. Maybe because…no one wants to hear about my misery…because they have their own.

Congrats

Congratulations to:

1. The 2009-2010 TCU Baseball Team. They came within a game of the College World Series final, and they're still really young. They should be back, and I'm looking forward to next season already.

2. The 2010 US World Cup Team. They might have lost, but they did a good job getting the country behind them.

3. The 2010 Texas Rangers. Five games in first place, winners of 12 of 13, and the only one of my teams to win today.

Three Things

Today was an amazing day in three specific ways. Let's break it down.

1. World Cup - I'm not a soccer fan. Not by any means. I don't understand the fascination with the sport, and I'm tired of people trying to argue it for me. I've thought about it a lot recently, and I think the problem is that the beauty of the sport is hidden. It's a guy running a couple hundred feet and cutting someone off with a perfect angle. It's a great pass that happens several seconds before a goal is scored.

I just don't have the patience to get into a game that ends in zero-zero tie. And I know soccer fans will argue that baseball fans go crazy for a pitchers duel and hockey fans love a zero-zero hockey game. I'll argue that, in both examples, you can point to a specific person (either the pitcher or the goalie) doing a great job. In soccer, it's the little things, and I just don't care enough to invest that much.

That being said, I'm your regular American guy, and I'm interested in the American team in the World Cup. And in our huge game today, I decided to go up and watch about 25 minutes of the game while I was at work.

And I'll admit that World Cup soccer is kinda fun to watch if your dog is still in the fight. And while the American team isn't the best team at the tournament, they have a lot of fight in them. They held off England, came back against Slovenia, and they dominated against Algeria. And despite the fact that they were owning the game, they were still tied going into stoppage time.

And it could've been time for the US to just give in. The referees seemed against them, and things just didn't seem to be going their way. A goal in stoppage time was improbable, and they could've held their heads high by exiting the tournament without losing.

But they fought and won. And not only did they advance to the next round, they won their group and earned a favorable draw. I'm not going to say that I know anything about the other teams because I'm not sure I know anything about our team. But I assume that playing Ghana is better than playing Germany. And I assume that playing the winner of Uruguay/South Korea is better than playing Argentina.

It's fun to be involved, though. And as long as the US is in, I'll be watching. After that, no promises.

2. As I've said a few times, I've recently gotten into tennis. I still don't watch a lot of pro tennis, but a coworker was looking at Wimbledon scores and mentioned a really long game. I looked, and it was the 50th game of the set.

I'll take a break from the story to mention that I played 20 games of tennis last week and had to get a massage to alleviate some of the soreness. So they played way more than me, and they weren't anywhere near done.

So I wasn't able to see any of this match, but what these two guys did was so impressive. As it stands now, they're still tied...at 59-59. That's right, they played 118 games and didn't decide anything. They broke the record for most games in a match...just in this set. In other words, no two tennis players had ever played that many games in one match...and these two guys played more in this one set. In addition to playing four other sets.

And what was really impressive was that the game was never that close to ending. Each man got 59 turns to serve, and the serve was held every single time. John Isner never had to play a break point, and Mahut only had to play three. In 118 games. That's just amazing.

I got home and saw some of the replay, and they both looked pretty tired at the end. And that's reasonable since they played tennis for ten hours today. But what was amazing was the fact that they got so many aces at the end of the game. Yes, both players were too tired to go and get a good serve, but it was still impressive that they kept hitting the right spots. A lot of the serves were great, no matter how tired the opponent was. And they were still over 100mph, despite hours and hours of serving.

Each man probably served 400-500 times today. I can't believe they're not both having surgery on their rotator cuffs.

But neither man would allow himself to lose. Neither wanted to quit. And neither let up in 118 games. I wish I'd been able to see, and I can't believe that one tennis match will take three full days to finish.

3. On an extremely lesser note, Carter Bloodcare came to our office today to have a bit of a blood drive. I've wanted to give blood for a while because I have a good blood type, but I haven't been able to for one reason or another. So when I saw that they were doing it, I made a note to find time to go downstairs and donate.

And when the time came, I went down and followed through. I filled out the forms, answered the questions, and passed all the tests they give you. I sat down and extended my left arm to give the blood.

And that's where the problems started. The man asked me to squeeze my fist to allow him to find a good vein. I did, and he couldn't find it. He tied off my arm a bit and had me squeeze some gauze and still couldn't get a good one. So he tied it off even tighter (uncomfortably tight, by the way) and finally was content.

After a couple of minutes, he asked his supervisor to come in and look. Apparently the blood was coming out but not fast enough. She saw that my arm was turning a different color because of the tube around my arm, and she removed it. As the color returned to my arm, I felt a little better.

But the a machine started to beep. The supervisor came back. I asked if there were issues, but they didn't say much. A few minutes later, they decided that my arm wasn't giving enough blood. And instead of waiting for the bags to fill or using my other arm, they just gave up. I asked about what was wrong, and they simply said my body fixed the hole in my arm..the platelets did their job.

But what really sucked was the fact that they couldn't use my blood. I don't know how close they were to finishing, but it seems odd that they couldn't use any of the blood. I know that a gunshot victim might need more blood than I provided, but they didn't want to take it just in case?

So I went through all of that for nothing. Now I have a decent bruise on my arm that grossed Ashley out, and no one is going to be helped because of my donation.

Now why did it not work? The platelet answer makes sense, and I guess it wasn't anything bad or they would've warned me. But I guess it could've been something else - maybe I have some kind of healing superpower.

Oh wait...I was sore after 20 games of tennis. Probably not.

One in a Million

A few months and ago, our trio (Tucker, Ashley, and myself) started playing the lottery. A lot of people look down on people who play the lottery, but I think it's a relatively simple prospect. I do not want to work in corporate America - I would like to travel and write and enjoy my youth, instead of being trapped in an office for the majority of my life.

Unfortunately, I will need a golden parachute to get out. And while I'm saving a lot of money from my work and going back to school to do something else, I just don't want to worry about money.

And to pay $3 to get two chances to win the lottery? That's fine with me. Two times a week makes $6, but when we get a group together, it's really just $6 every three weeks. And a little over $100 a year. I certainly waste that much on dumb stuff for an entire year - this could be a lot more worth it.

And in those times when work seems like it's going to envelop me completely, the lottery gives me a little hope. The odds might be against me, but I have a chance to secure my financial freedom. Isn't that worth it?

Could Be Worse

Is it bad that, after a long day at work, I went to F My Life (www.fmylife.com) for a few minutes and instantly felt better?

My Own A-Team

We watched The A-Team tonight (solid movie, nothing spectacular), and it got me thinking. If I needed to put together a team of badass soldiers, and I could only use my current set of friends...what kind of team would I put together? This might be a ridiculous idea, but humor me for a minute. It could absolutely come in handy.

Me - The brains of the operation. It might be cocky to name myself the brains of the team, but I have two very solid reasons for doing so. First of all, it's my team, and that speaks for itself. Secondly, I should be involved, in no way, in any fighting. I've only been involved in one fight before: it was in middle school, and the weapons of choice were backpacks. And while I did get all the way to yellow belt (with a green stripe!) in tae-kwon-do as a kid, I don't think I remember anything but "high block" and "low block." I do have the uncanny ability to blend in (I apparently have a forgettable face), and I was always good at hide and seek. So when I'm not being the brains, I can also probably do surveillance.

Tim - The driver. No one drives like Tim, and I wouldn't trust anyone to do it like him. The driver might seem like an irrelevant role that anyone can do, but it's actually really important if you think about it. Car chases happen in almost every single action movie, and we're going to need someone who's focused solely on driving.

Woody - Our tech guy. Woody is the best with computers out of all of our friends, and we'll need someone to be our eyes and ears. He can be the guy who gets all of our equipment on the cheap, and he can hack into cameras and security systems so we can get the job done. Woody is also our language expert if we need to speak to someone in a random language. If Woody doesn't know the language, we'll give him 24 hours and Rosetta Stone, and we'll be fine.

Ashley - The muscle. Although I've never seen him fight, I think he looks like a fighter. He might be the strongest of our friends, and he's the one who has most-recently fired a weapon. He also has an unnatural obsession with fire, and he can probably also double as an explosives expert. Also, if we need things to be grilled, Ashley is our man.

Tucker - The hero. Tucker is probably the most well-rounded of our friends. I assume he can fight, he's in the best shape of everyone, and he always wins at everything. If Tucker is on board, the mission is going to successful. He's not quite James Bond, but we don't have anyone better. Also, James Bond has never beaten me at tennis. Plus, if Tucker's involved, we also have a chance at having Keely on the team - and she can be the girl teammate who distracts the bad guy and then kicks his butt.

So there you got it. It's actually a pretty decent team. On paper. Because none of us actually can fight or use weapons or know anything about being mercenaries for hire. So in real life, you're probably gonna want to depend on the police or the army. Or, really, anyone with training.

My New Annoyance

So a couple of times, I've gotten into my car in a bit of a mood. Maybe a bad mood or a bored mood or an angry mood. And at these times, I really just want to listen to some music. And then it happens.

There's nothing on the radio.

Well, not nothing. There's Katy Perry and Ke$ha and Justin Bieber and a bunch of rap artists that I don't really have time for. And it's not like I don't have eclectic musical tastes. There's room in my heart for Lifehouse and Eminem. There's room for Pat Green and Green Day. Linkin Park and the Beatles. I also like a lot of music that I'd be a bit embarrassed to list here.

So it's not like I'm trying to find a single song. I'm okay with a lot of it.

It's also not like I'm working with five or ten stations. I have XM Radio in my car, and that means I have access to a bunch of radio stations. Pop music, mix music, rock music, indie music. There's a whole station of Top 20 popular songs, 90s grunge rock songs, acoustic "coffee shop" songs, and love songs. Do you like music from a single decade? XM offers a station devoted to the 2000s. And the 90s. And the 80s. 70s, 60s, and 50s. And, yes, if you're in the mood for big band music from the World War II era, there's a whole station for the 40s.

And if there's no music there, I have an entire set of presents dedicated to local Dallas radio.

How in the heck do I find it so hard to find a decent song? This morning, I went around looking for a song, and the best that I could find was "Sweet Home Alabama" - and I got to catch the last five seconds of that song. After work, the best song I could find was Phil Collins' "In Too Deep." And I can't hear that song without thinking of creepy Christian Bale.

And what's really sad is that I'll keep running into the same songs. XM should have some kind of program that prohibits the same song playing on two different stations. There are a billion songs to choose from - pick something different so that "Breakeven" isn't playing on three stations at once.

But here's the kicker. I'll be flipping around and will see a song all the time. It will be one of those songs that's playing at the same time on two stations, and I'll surrender and give it a shot. And because I'm a sucker, I'll think it's good. I have one of those stupid senses of music that means I like anything that's catchy.

And, literally, as soon as I start to like a song, it disappears from the radio. One day, it's everywhere, and the second I like it, it never existed.

So maybe I should just listen to all these pop songs so that they'll go away. But I probably shouldn't, or I'm going to walk around with "California Gurls" in my head. Ugh.

A Fun Project

Do you know what I think would be a fun game? To scan one of the pictures from my childhood (maybe a yearbook picture) and put it into one of those programs that is supposed to tell you what your kid will look like in ten years. I just think it'd be fun to see how you were supposed to grow up...not to mention how accurate those things actually are.

Something Dallas Got Right

I was in Fort Worth tonight for the TCU baseball game, and we went over to the University Pub after the game for a drink. And when we got in there, I noticed that a lot of people were smoking...and I thought that it was unusual. It's a bit of a hole in the wall, and I thought it was the exception to the rule as far as smoking rules go.

But, nope, there is no rule in Fort Worth. Smoking goes in bars, and there's no exception to be had.

You see, Dallas basically got rid of smoking in bars in the last couple of years, and I think it's great. If people want to inhale carcinogens, they can go for it outside. I realize that bars are places where people do things that are unhealthy, but smoking doesn't just affect the people who do it. If two drunks want to hook up after 2am, that's fine because it doesn't affect me. Smoking does.

And it's so nice to go out to a bar in Dallas and come home with normal-smelling clothes. Tonight, I took a shower after I got home because I can't stand the smell of second hand smoke. I don't want my hair to smell, and I don't want my bed to smell.

I know it upsets certain people, but I think it makes perfect sense. And I hope that the law spreads because it just make things better for those of us who choose not to smoke. And people who do can take it outside. Or, you know...stop.

Things To Work On

Taking a look at things, here are some things that I need to work on. And, for the record, they aren't in any sort of relevant order.

1. Confidence

2. Faith

3. Luck

4. Timing