Thirty Blog Challenge - Blog 1

My friend Brian (http://bmwooddell.wordpress.com/) did a blog series that I'm going to steal. He called it the "Thirty Day Challenge" but I'm calling it a "Thirty Blog Challenge." Primarily because I don't know if I can (or want to) do thirty consecutive days of blogging. Secondly because I would like the freedom to blog about whatever I want in the mean time. So this is something that I'm going to start and eventually finish. I won't make it neat and tidy like Brian did, but I'll do what I can.

Day 1 - Something You Hate About Yourself

That's a delightful way to start, isn't it?

Well, most people know that the defining moment of my life was the day my father committed suicide. It impacted my life in ways I probably still haven't figured out, but the primary way was my confidence.

I was the popular kid in school until my dad died. I was the first one to run up and kiss a girl. I would entertain the kids by lip syncing Weird Al songs. I played sports, and my dad always brought pizza to class. I seemed to be friends with everyone in school, and things seemed to be on track.

When he died, it all stopped. I stopped being friends with everyone. Anyone. I stopped going out and having fun. I stopped being funny. From that point on, I could count my friends on one hand. I ate lunch alone at school, and I came right home and spent time alone. Middle school and high school were about the same.

And because I spent most of my middle school years alone, I missed out on a lot of the social challenges that middle school provides. Elementary school is all about being social with people from your own gender. Middle school mixes things up a bit, and you start spending time with people of the opposite sex. That way, by the time high school starts, things are comfortable.

Not for me.

My awkward years were high school, when I finally started to mix and mingle. By then, it was too late. I'd disappeared in middle school (coincidentally the time when I was supposed to meet all the kids from all the other elementary schools), and the people I did meet probably wondered why I was so weird around girls. I didn't date in high school.

When it came time for college, I was still a step behind. I'd done middle school in high school, and now I was doing high school in college. I was naive, and I was uncomfortable.

The problem with confidence is that it doesn't really seem possible to manufacture it. Confidence is built on a foundation of other confidence. You're confident that you can hit a baseball because you hit it before. You know the girl will say yes because the previous one did.

But what happens when you have no confidence? You have no foundation. And with no confidence, you can't build more because you don't have a foundation. It's a vicious cycle, and it takes something extraordinary to break out of.

Finally, I feel like I've broken out of that. But what all did I miss? All those times in high school and college that I could have been a part of. Heck, what about the popular kid that I was back in elementary school - what if he had been allowed to grow up and mature? Where would I be now?

So I wish I'd had more confidence. I wish I'd handled the death better. And, most of all, I wish it just hadn't happened. I hate that it affected me so much, and I hate that it had to happen to me.

It made me who I am, and I understand that. A lot of people like the person I've become, and I'm not sure they would've liked the person I would've become otherwise. But I often think about the parallel universe where I had a normal childhood. Where I'd be now, and how things would've been differently.

And until I've completely conquered the fear that stops me from being as strong as I want to be, I'll always wonder what could've been.