The Cruel Joke of Optimism

So I'm not an optimist, and I don't think I've ever really been confused for one. I think I'd like to be one, and I think it would really help me if I were one. Every once in a while, I can trick myself into being one, but I think I've decided that those few moments are a cruel trick. I'm not sure who's responsible, but I know that it's cruel.

On certain mornings, I'll wake up with a certain sense that things might not end up horrible. That, for some reason, I might have a good day. It's just that...on those mornings...that's when I'm beginning to get scared. Because it's on those days that my day is about to fall right into the toilet.

Take yesterday for example.

I woke up from a long weekend. It was my birthday on Friday, and I had the day off. I relaxed by the pool, hung out with my friends, and experienced a weekend that didn't seem to be going 100 mph. And on a Monday morning when I was driving in to work, I had this feeling that things might be okay. I didn't have the doom and gloom that I usually feel when going to this horrible place.

Well, yesterday sucked. Horribly. I find out that the person who's accounts I've already been covering for a week is going to be out another two weeks. At least. She said she'd be out for a week. It will probably be a month. I'll admit that I'm being a bit cruel myself here, but I think the situation was carried out horribly by every party.

And the people that were covering my accounts? I'm not sure they did anything. I spent most of my morning cleaning up the mess they refused to clean up. Not to mention the fact that I don't think anyone read my out of office.

It reminded me, immediately, how much I hate this place. How dumb most of the people are. And how incredibly lazy and irresponsible they all are. I can't believe this is a profitable company...honestly.

And so on those mornings when I feel a supernatural calm or optimism, I don't feel happy anymore. I get scared because those are the days that are going to be the worst. The kind of days that ruin weeks and months and years.

Don't worry, though. I woke up this morning as pessimistic as ever, preparing myself for the worst. Because I'm starting to think that those times of optimism are there as some kind of prank. I feel good and happy just so that I can be slapped back down...as if I'm a contestant on Wipeout...running along and then some kind of thing is dropped on me so that I fall in the water.

And I'm sure whoever is in charge would laugh about that kind of thing. And I'm sure that he/she/it does.