Frustration

Tuesday night was a frustrating night for Apartment 2916. Probably because Tucker brings it out of us, but both Ashley and I were frustrated that night.

It started off early for me because I had to come back to work after a three-day weekend. And apparently people don't read out-of-office emails...so I spent most of the morning cleaning up messes. Then we had a town hall meeting that ate into my lunch time, forcing me to stay at work through lunch - and that makes me even more frustrated.

But I finally got home for Tuesdays with Tucker. Tuesday night has been, for a long time, a night where Tucker and I play tennis...then we come home and watch The Wire. And, yes, the occasional Halo game.

And people who have been reading know that Tucker is better at everything than me...and that includes tennis. I can count the number of times I've beaten him on one hand, and we've probably played between 50 and 100 times.

But that game started with me going up 3 games to 1. Before I knew it, we were tied. And even though I went up 4-3, I lost 6-4. Although I'd really say that I lost 5-4 since that's when I got angry.

You see, against Tucker, I play a lot more nervous than I play against most people. Basically because, since he's better, I feel like I need to raise my game. I can't make any mistakes, and I need to make sure that I take advantage of his mistakes. A good example of this is my "40-15" problem. When I'm up 40-15 against Tucker, I tense up. Because I know that I'm a point away from taking the game (something rare), but I'm also just a point away from letting him back in. Tucker plays even looser up 40-15 - I play even tighter.

On this day, I had the same problem with 30-love. I was up by this score 3 times, and I don't think I got any of the games. And it's the same thing - I'm a point away from a commanding lead or simply 30-15. And in those situations, I start thinking. And thinking, for me, is bad.

Tucker can see this, and I think he feeds on it. And it doesn't matter if I try and tell myself not to get nervous...that counts as thinking and still doesn't work. The only way to stop it is to not think about it - and I haven't figured out a way to do that.

My other problem was soft shots. I hit several shots that were a couple inches away from being perfect. Instead, they flew right into the net.

Because of this, by the time the score was 5-4 in favor of Tucker, I just got mad. Maybe because of tennis. Maybe because of work. Maybe because of completely separate things....I just got mad. It was my turn to serve, and I just hit the ball as hard as I could. Not surprisingly, I think I double-faulted most of the game. Because my hard serve is extremely hit or miss.

For his turn to serve, I hit the ball as hard as I could back to him. Partially because I think it's a shot I need to work on, but also because I just wanted to get some of my frustration out. Tennis had no longer become any fun...it was just a way to vent.

And I feel bad about doing that to Tucker because I know it can't be any fun. Even when I'm not angry, he's always trying to compliment my game...apologizing when he hits a perfect shot...stuff like that. I'm usually trying to stay in the zone...so I typically don't do any of that stuff. And when I'm angry and having less fun, I'm sure he's having less fun too.

I'd like to say I have less control over that, but I'm sure I do. I think there's just a "breaking point" (pun intended) where I just let the anger take over. I guess it's easier that way.

Anyway, after we get home and watch the excellent season four finale of The Wire, we start playing some Halo. And that's when Ashley gets a little frustrated. Halo on X-Box Live can do that to people - with a lot of cheapness and luck involved.

And afterwards, I told Ashley about my tennis frustration, and I explained that Halo never makes me angry. Even when I play bad, I really don't get frustrated - not enough to slam down the controller or throw it, anyway.

And I think it has to do with my skill in the two areas. With tennis, I don't think I have a lot of skill. I have a pretty generic defensive game with a very hit-or-miss serve. If I don't take advantage of certain situations, I don't win.

With Halo, I'm pretty good. I win MVP a couple times a night when we play, and I'm probably the best, overall, of the friends that I play with. So, as I told him, if I have a bad game, I'm confident that I can make it up. Ashley, who's less confident in his game (or more confident in the cheapness of X-Box Live, perhaps), has the same frustration that I have with tennis.

And I wonder how I can translate that confidence in Halo to tennis. Or even, perhaps, into other parts of my life. Because so many things in life seem to stem from simple confidence, and it's something I would definitely like to have more of.